I Am the Queen of Imaginary Problems

Daily writing prompt

What is one thing you would change about yourself?

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I am working to change the tendency to see a problem before it happens. Most of the time, what I fear never materializes. For example, when I walk into a store, I worry that people will think that, as a black person, I might shoplift. So, in my mind, I am thinking of how I will respond if challenged. I plan to show my credit cards and, with anger and pain, say, “I can pay. There’s no need to follow me! It’s so unfair!” What occurs is that I add stress to my life, and then nothing happens, so the harm done to my body is unnecessary harm.

When I was a lot younger, I read an article called “If I Had My Life to Live Over Again” by an older woman, and one of the elements that she touched on was having more actual problems and fewer imaginary ones. I didn’t understand because I thought you can’t have imaginary problems. Either bad things happen, or they don’t occur. I thought that she was confused. But now I comprehend what she means. I take so many precautions, being prepared for any eventuality, and, in doing so, I spend so much time worrying and not enough time simply enjoying the moment.

This tendency to want to be prepared for anything that might happen means that my purse and bookbag have just about everything that might be needed in an emergency. People knew I had needle and thread, chocolate bars (for diabetics), staples, scissors, etc.

My mother never let me learn to skate, ride a bicycle, or swim, informing me I could be killed. Ironically, she allowed my older sister to do all three activities. She became a daredevil who loved life and trying new things. She never seemed to worry about anything. Contrarily, I became scared of everything and people, particularly crowds, and preferred to stay home with a book. I shudder to think of all the fun activities and people I missed knowing and experiencing. At 50 and after an awful divorce, I finally learned to drive a car! I could have been free from the fear of driving and used all that time to roam our city looking for adventures.

I am learning to let go of the imaginary and to be more spontaneous in my reactions and responses. I work at it. When I catch myself already responding to what I think people will say or do, I stop it. I don’t want to go through the rest of my life as an old woman who is always afraid of other people and taking on new experiences. It is a daily decision on my part. I have enough real problems as it is!