Hoping For Answers that Will Restore Some Semblance of My Life

I am getting psychologically prepared for tomorrow’s CT myelogram test needed to determine why if I have a pinched nerve in my neck and lower back. Since I fell in Vienna in May and again in my bathroom in June, I have been surviving on pain pills, physical therapy, and feeling like I am living someone else’s life. I don’t want to do the myelogram, because three years ago when I had one, it was an awful experience.

I was stuck nine times trying to place and IV in my arm, and then after that torture, the nurse forgot to hook it up. So, all that pain for nothing. I wrote a scathing survey afterwards, and I am not having the procedure at the same hospital. I would live with the pain before I went there again.

But, after four months of intense pain and six weeks of physical therapy that leaves me unable to enjoy my life, and because I have a defibrillator, it is the only test that can give the neurosurgeon some idea of what’s happening. When you can’t find relief from sitting, standing, or laying down, you have to let go of your fears and find answers. I still don’t know if I can find the courage to have surgery on my back again, after the last back surgery three years ago left my left leg numb on one side of the knee down to the ankle, a situaion that can’t be reversed.

I will see what the test show, as both the neck and lumbar area will be scanned, and then decide my options. I just want to go to Portugal, buy a place near the ocean, and sit and watch the fishing boats leave each morning to do their day’s work. Then in the evening, I want to witness their return, with swarms of birds following in their wake. I never fail to laugh at the birds trying to get dinner without having to dive into the water. I know how they feel, as sometimes you want life to be easy. My husband and I had planned to apply to reside in Portugal for five years, but that dream will have to wait, for now.

I want to return to writing on my blog full time. I have the energy for maybe one ort two blogs a day, when I want to answer three or more prompts. But, one of my joys is still reading the bloggers I follow, who bring joy, laughter, and soul-affirming words into my life every day. I try to comment when I can, but know, as the song say, “You send me.” Keep me in your prayers, my blogging friends.

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