I Took Back My Power A Long Time Ago

For years, I held a grudge against the guy who, after a brutal beating, put me in the hospital for seven days when I was 16 years old. I wished all manner of evil on him. I couldn’t get past the fear of men instilled in me that left me alone and depressed. I thought it only right that he suffered something horrendous, and I held on to that hope for years.

Over the years, he had power over my thoughts and actions, particularly the decisions I made regarding dating. I vowed to never love again and to only date men that I would not suffer any emotional pain if they were to leave my life. I made so many mistakes then and held on to my hate.

Then, one day, as I thought about the situation, I realized that I had allowed that man to have power over my life. It was like I was reliving the abuse every day. As I reflected, I had to laugh at myself because I realized that in all those years since the end of the relationship, he had probably never once thought about me. He had lived his life, experienced good and bad, and not had one moment where he wondered what became of me. But he still had power and control of my life.

The moment I could laugh at myself and realize that I had survived the abuse and the second incidence of abuse in my first marriage that almost cost me my life, I took back the power and control of my life. I stopped letting two violent men convince me that all men were lunatics. I let go of the hurt, and I cried for all the needless pain I had suffered because I wouldn’t stop remembering and hating.

I turned that energy into speaking engagements. I joined a group of survivors of domestic violence in a speaking bureau for the National Network to End Domestic Violence, sponsored by Allstate Insurance. As a sociology professor, every semester, I have shared my story with students in my classes, and I will do so this semester. I spoke at a Take Back the Night event in Macomb, Illinois, where I taught.

After more than 50 years, I finally saw him again. He was in a wheelchair after losing a leg to diabetes. We spoke, and he told me I still had a beautiful smile. My BFF told me to ask him why he beat me. I informed her that I had taken back my power a long time ago. But, I will say that I had one last thought as I looked at him, “‘Vengeance is mine; I will repay,’ saith the Lord!”