Trying to Have It All Is Dangerous to One’s Body, Mind, and Soul

Daily writing prompt

What does “having it all” mean to you? Is it attainable?

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I gained 20 pounds in 28 days inside an inpatient mental health facility about 30 years ago. I was trying to have it all: a college education with all As, be the best employee at my job, volunteer at a women’s shelter, and take care of children still at home, as well as be a good girlfriend. I didn’t have any time for myself, thinking that I was selfish when I could be taking care of others. As a domestic violence survivor, I wanted to give back and let other women know that we don’t just survive; we can thrive.

I was so tired at the end of every day, and I kept pushing myself even after I started experiencing panic attacks on the bus and train to work. I must have been busy 20 out of every 24 hours. I didn’t realize that there is a breaking point for the body. But the day came when I could not get on the train because the panic attacks were continuous. I walked home, too afraid to take the bus and feel confined once the doors closed.

I knew I needed help. I called my employee assistance program and told them I needed assistance, for I could not leave my house. My boyfriend took me to this facility, and as I was processed in, I started understanding that this was self-inflicted pain. For over twenty-one days, the doctors tried to find a combination of drugs to stop the attacks and assuage the anxiety I felt. But being locked in a mental hospital and watched 24 hours a day was humbling and shameful to me, so I couldn’t find peace because I felt like a failure in everything I was doing, including work, school, and parenting.

Yet, when I started to understand that you can’t do everything well and that something eventually breaks my mental and physical health, in this case, if you continue to push the body, mind, and spirit past the point of wellness. Counseling made me aware that I tried to do it all and have it all because people’s approval was important to a child who went to school stinky and dirty, having been abandoned by both parents for a time and whom teachers seemed to like when she made perfect grades.

We can’t have it all! We shouldn’t want it all (however all is defined by you). When we find ourselves attempting to do more than the body, mind, and soul can sustain, we should ask why it is so important to win in everything we do. It isn’t attainable. The costs to our health are bigger than the benefits. The best advice I received from a psychiatrist when I left the facility was, “Bs are good!” Today, when a student gets stressed over a 90 grade, I tell them my story to help them see that in the long run, what matters is being healthy in body, mind, and soul. I still have to remind myself of the same lesson.