When I went through a divorce, I heard the Ex was saying that I was too controlling. I had to laugh. She controlled everything I did. I even couldn’t change the rear view mirror on the car or the setting on the toaster. I chalked it up to her inability to be wrong. I could see that she had a desperate need to be perfect, so it was always someone else’s fault. Years later, I was encouraging my daughter to get along with her, but she expressed the belief that her mom would never change. I felt like it was like this cliff, forever battered by the waves, but refusing to budge.
I tried to see my faults and grow, but recently, listening to the same daughter, I heard her say how I was too controlling. This blew me away. I am so lovable and so gentle. Then I got feedback from a boss that I tend to micromanage, saying, do it my way, even when the other’s method worked fine. The Bible uses the image of a man who looks into a mirror and sees himself to what he is, but as soon as he walks away, he tries to forget what he saw. I had been doing this! Why would I try so hard to not get healing?
One family I knew had three children. The parents were very dysfunctional and didn’t make any child feel worthy. Each child used a different method to gain a sense of value. One went rebellious and didn’t attain it from either parent, but from other rebels. Another child realized that she could be helpless (some choose sickly) and force the parent to rescue them, giving them worth. The third chose perfectionism. If he always got As at school, maybe his parents would congratulate him, but definitely, the teachers made him feel honored. Each person panicked at the hint that their method was not beneficial in the real world. They could not be healed.
I remembered the verse where Jesus looked at Jerusalem and said how He longed to gather the people and heal them but they would not. As I observed other methods to gain worth (eg the class clown, the know it all, the power hungry, etc.) I saw how hard it is for me to change. God wants to heal so our unique jewel could shine, but we need to be willing. It took years to build these walls, and it’ll take years to break them down. God can do things quickly, but I know I’ll get scared and block that healing. Only slowly, will I open the doors and let God in. Remember, this is with me pounding on the throne of heaven daily, demanding healing. It reminds me of Romans 7:22-24 where Paul discusses the conflict, wanting to do the spiritual things but doing sinful instead, calling himself a wretched man. Don’t give up, God will lead us to victory, teaching us how to live in Rom 8.